Launchpad Wall 2018.

Once again I am so proud of the Launchpad Artists who have created such an amazing Launchpad Wall in a record 5 weeks. The artists decided to go for a Pop Art theme this year and have created work inspired by Andy Warhol, Jasper Johns and our communal comic book rocket mural inspired by Roy Lichtenstein. We are loving the bright happy colours, even giving the wings a colourful makeover.

For more information about the wonderful work Launchpad does to help prevent homelessness in Reading go to www.launchpadreading.org.uk

What Frida taught me Part 2.

What Frida taught me.

An idea that has always fascinated me has been the idea of different selves meeting each other. I had a counselling session many years ago where the counsellor did a guided meditation with me and it had a lasting effect. I had to think of a time when I was really happy as a child. I chose the front garden of my childhood home. I remember coming home to our house after having a wonderful holiday. The sun was shining brightly and I was happy to be home, happy to see my toys and my cat. I started spinning around and dancing on the front lawn. My counsellor asked my adult self to go up to my younger self say hello and hug her. It was beautiful and I started to cry. The meditation stopped there and I was surprised by how the experience had overwhelmed me. During our time together I asked the counsellor to repeat the exercise  but she always refused. I suppose the magic and the power of the experience would never be the same.

Fast forward quite a few years and I was in counselling again and the counsellor was asking about different opinions I held and if they came from different voices. Some were my parents' views, some were my adult views but the most urgent came from a small childish voice. I was being treated for anxiety, we were specifically dealing with fears. It helped (even though it sounds crazy) to identify with my younger self and listen to her. I found pieces of myself I had ignored or forgotten about for years. Sometimes doing something for that childish voice - usually something I enjoyed made me happy. I had already kind of connected with her after having my daughter. It helped me relate, to feel bonded, have fun together and I believe be a better mum. When I looked after myself in this way it turned into self care. I realised I had to look after this younger version of myself and it made me wonder if I had any other aspects of myself hidden away.

I started to examine who I was now and I realised had achieved a lot and I felt confident and proud of who I was, something that brought great comfort. I realised I was enough and I coped and worked and cared for others in an effective way, something I had not felt in a long time. The childish version could help the adult version with self care but also introducing fun again when life got too serious.

In recent years I have had to come to terms with caring for the older generation and being a mother at the same time. Age seems cruel, watching how people change and how abilities and sense of self can slip away. Being completely selfish it takes away that older protective generation above you and you realise the power and responsibility has shifted - you are now responsible for everyone. I was able to use the love and care I received to teach me what to do now the tables have been turned. I started to channel an older version of myself based on the love and wisdom I have received to guide me through. The way you see yourself is very important. Personally I need it to be clear and strong a positive reminder that brings me the strength I need.

I was interested in the duality that was portrayed in Frida Kahlo's paintings. Positive and negative sides, healthy and unhealthy. I was also interested in how her husband Diego Rivera was often portrayed as part of her or as her baby. These ideas lent themselves to how I was exploring my different selves. I wanted to find a way of producing a self portrait and carry these aspects with me. It was strange watching the different selves appear. I felt quite nervous and a lot of pressure because of the importance of what I was doing. I didn't really have a plan but as I painted it was almost like I was examining my relationship with these different selves. I felt quite protective of the child and looking at the present self she seemed quite confident but defiant again protecting my younger self. Painting my older self was quite a challenge as I had to confront my fear of becoming older. I wanted to paint an older self I was happy with. Someone who is happy and free, still someone who is able to do the things I enjoy. Someone I still recognize.

I am grateful for this rollercoaster of a project. It has given me so much more than I ever imagined. I now have an army of me's to draw strength from when times get tough but most importantly I feel more peaceful than I ever have.

What Frida taught me Part 1.

For the last 5 months I have been living under Frida Kahlo’s shadow after being asked to make some art inspired by her life and work. I dove straight into my research keen to get started as I knew a little about her and I had always been a fan. As I researched further I started to feel a deep empathy for Frida. We have spent so much time together and with the intimacy of her work, I feel we are on first name terms. Nothing is held back you get every emotion and every experience all declared unapologetically. There is defiance in how she would not be silenced. I admire her bravery and the way she fought to keep her identity. She fought to be a successful artist in her own right despite being a Mexican woman in the first half of the Twentieth Century. She refused to be held back by her physical health suffering polio as a child and then a horrific tram crash at 18 in which Frida was seriously hurt, the effects of which dogged her for the rest of her life. Really no one has any excuse not to create when Frida would paint tirelessly in bed unable to move after her many operations to help treat the horrific injuries she sustained in the tram crash. In the same spirit she attended her only solo show in Mexica in 1953 close to death against strict doctor’s orders, diva like, lying in her bed carried in by four men making her show and her appearance a great success.

I become frustrated by people who dress up like her and treat her flippantly almost creating a caricature. She did have great style but she was more than that. She was grittier and more meaningful. Frida challenged what it was to be a woman; dared to be different, played with gender roles and challenged what it was to be a wife. She expressed her physical pain and emotional grief fearlessly in the public domain. Her husband the great communist mural painter Diego Rivera was repeatedly unfaithful and they did never have the baby Frida longed for after her many miscarriages.

To make your own work inspired by Frida Kahlo you have to visit your own pain. Frida took me down some dark alleyways. I had to go back to some difficult times and face up to some uncomfortable truths. Sometimes the process would be overwhelming and I would have to retreat completely. When the project became more resolved it was a relief to know I could choose to leave those emotions behind. The project became more about mental health and how I chose to cope with difficult times. Having worked through those hard times I felt lighter and I realised I wasn’t that person any more. I had moved on. I felt safe to leave the pain behind.

Starting to talk.

Depression starts as a niggle at the back of your mind. Something inside there doesn’t feel quite right. You try to ignore it. Tell it to go away and get on with your life, but you know you can’t relax. You know it will be back and it terrifies you.

The itch over time develops a voice telling you, ‘you can’t, you shouldn’t, bad things will happen. Yes that’s right all your worst nightmares are true. That’s why you didn’t succeed. Yes that person does think that of you. Yes they are right. Yes it is all your fault’.

The voice gets stronger and it’s all you can hear. It overwhelms you. You feel frozen to the spot, gripped by fear. The depression takes you by the hand and leads you into anxiety, self-hatred, and guilt. Everything you believed in turns black. You feel stupid for believing, didn’t you always know it was hopeless. You try and numb the pain, fill the void, bargain with unknown forces to make it stop. Then it feels right. Isn’t this what you always deserved?

This is what it can feel like when someone is suffering with depression. Everyone is different. I was lucky I had the love and support of my family. They would hold me until the worst was over. They would listen until I was spent. I also asked repeatedly for help. Initially I did it for my family, why should they always get the worst of me? I also decided that I wanted to live. I wanted better than this. I had dreams I wanted to achieve and a future I wanted to see. I wanted to see all our futures. 

Depression is a silent killer. I believe depression and anxiety are far wider spread than any statistics would have us believe. Everyday small things and stress levels can affect our happiness. These things can build up and change our behavior and our ability to cope.

 If you know someone who is suffering make sure they know they are not alone. Listen to them and help them to get help.

If you are suffering small steps can help like slowing down and listening to yourself. Examine how you feel and ask yourself why do you feel like this and why are you making these decisions. Often the choice that makes you happy requires no thought because the decision is easy.

I worked on my mental health for a long time. It took a lot of talking, a lot of honesty and asking myself some tough questions but I feel the best I have ever felt.

Everyone has the right and deserves to feel happy and safe.

Ring Samaritans free on any phone on 116123

www.samaritans.org    www.mind.org.uk