Depression starts as a niggle at the back of your mind. Something inside there doesn’t feel quite right. You try to ignore it. Tell it to go away and get on with your life, but you know you can’t relax. You know it will be back and it terrifies you.
The itch over time develops a voice telling you, ‘you can’t, you shouldn’t, bad things will happen. Yes that’s right all your worst nightmares are true. That’s why you didn’t succeed. Yes that person does think that of you. Yes they are right. Yes it is all your fault’.
The voice gets stronger and it’s all you can hear. It overwhelms you. You feel frozen to the spot, gripped by fear. The depression takes you by the hand and leads you into anxiety, self-hatred, and guilt. Everything you believed in turns black. You feel stupid for believing, didn’t you always know it was hopeless. You try and numb the pain, fill the void, bargain with unknown forces to make it stop. Then it feels right. Isn’t this what you always deserved?
This is what it can feel like when someone is suffering with depression. Everyone is different. I was lucky I had the love and support of my family. They would hold me until the worst was over. They would listen until I was spent. I also asked repeatedly for help. Initially I did it for my family, why should they always get the worst of me? I also decided that I wanted to live. I wanted better than this. I had dreams I wanted to achieve and a future I wanted to see. I wanted to see all our futures.
Depression is a silent killer. I believe depression and anxiety are far wider spread than any statistics would have us believe. Everyday small things and stress levels can affect our happiness. These things can build up and change our behavior and our ability to cope.
If you know someone who is suffering make sure they know they are not alone. Listen to them and help them to get help.
If you are suffering small steps can help like slowing down and listening to yourself. Examine how you feel and ask yourself why do you feel like this and why are you making these decisions. Often the choice that makes you happy requires no thought because the decision is easy.
I worked on my mental health for a long time. It took a lot of talking, a lot of honesty and asking myself some tough questions but I feel the best I have ever felt.
Everyone has the right and deserves to feel happy and safe.
Ring Samaritans free on any phone on 116123